I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
