This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
