Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
