Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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