All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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