I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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