I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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