I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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