Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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