I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
