It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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