Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize