My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
