Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
