Yo dont text me then not text me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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