I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
ttyl tear gas
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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