You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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