I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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