i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
where are my eyebrows?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
