i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The beers last night were like the tears from god
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
