the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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