This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
