My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
