I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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