my phone needs a breathalizer
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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