i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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