I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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