everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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