So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
