im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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