I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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