you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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