My room smells like vodka and shame
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
