I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
