The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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