I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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