His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
