One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
