so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize