My first STD was from a foam party
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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