im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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