life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't deserve a penis
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
