Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
