i just wanna soil my oats bro
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
