I am puke
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You need a sexual gate keeper
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
