Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
are you so shy because you have an std?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
