You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
