I looked at my own cervix.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
