Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
