Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
