I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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