this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
