His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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