My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
