the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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