I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
