every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize