cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
