my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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