I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
