Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
