I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
